How to become frustrated by your cable company in a single call

The other day, a neighbor of ours tells us that he felt that he was paying too much for his cable tv since the rates recently went up. He tells us he made a simple phone call to them and that’s all it took to have his bill reduced by $50 per month. Hmmm…, we use the same provider. He suggests we should do the same, threaten to cancel our service and jump to a competitor and they will quickly transfer you to their “retention” line where you will more than likely be offered a lower rate.

Now, normally, I wouldn’t attempt this but, we also feel that our bill is way too high so I figured I had nothing to lose. So I call them up today. The phone call starts out with Miss Customer Service pronouncing my name wrong. Okay, no problem it happens. So I correct her with the proper pronunciation. She then comes back and says thank you, Mrs..and pronounces my name wrong again, the exact same way she said it the first time. So I correct her again. She says, I am sorry Mrs. …and proceeds to pronounce my name wrong yet AGAIN. Then she adds, I apologize Ma’am, is it okay if I call you “Laura”. Sure I say. I can see this is going well already.

For crying out loud, I know that some names can be hard to pronounce, but when I say it for you…all you have to do at that point is LISTEN to the way I said it, and repeat after me. I am amazed at the stupidity of some people. Seriously, if I am ever on the phone with someone and their name is a killer to pronounce, I wait for them to say it, listen carefully, then phonetically write it down just that way so when I say it back, I don’t sound like an idiot like this woman did. Yeah, it’s the little things like this that irritate me. And believe me when I say, my surname is not that hard to pronounce. If you can read, and follow it phonetically, it’s really simple. I just don’t understand why people have such a problem with it and transpose the letters time and again. To me that is just being too lazy to read. Anyway, I digress.

I tell the woman that I want to cancel my cable service because I feel it is too expensive. So she says to me: “I apologize to hear that.” Ummm, you apologize? First off, that’s not even proper grammar and I think you mean, you are sorry to hear that. I love when I can tell when they are clearly using customer service buzz words to empathize, but it’s painfully obvious they haven’t quite grasped the technique of when to use what… It really makes me laugh.

So after she puts me on hold for about the tenth time and keeps saying, “it will just be another moment”…I am getting frustrated. What the hell is the problem here?

She comes back with some “good” news. Apparently, since all our services are bundled (cable, phone and internet), and we are paying $175 per month for all, she had a “deal for me”. Oh pray tell. She tells me she can offer me a 2 year lock in at my current monthly rate with a two year commitment. Oh wow, what a deal. You mean to tell me, that I can take the amount that I am paying RIGHT NOW, which I initially told you at the start of the phone call was too high, and you can do me a solid by locking THAT rate in for two more years!!

Wow, that really is a fantastic deal. Sign me up right now. Hello, I didn’t just fall off the last turnip truck Missy, and obviously you ARE NOT listening to what I told you at the onset of my call. So I huffily decline the “great deal” and explain to her why I would not want to lock in the same rate I have been paying if I already told you that was too much. The frustration is coming out in my tone now and I am trying to keep my cool.

So then she tells me, she will see what other options she can offer me. Yeah, why don’t you do that Sherlock. So she comes back and reminds me that I have all my services bundled and if I want to reduce my monthly bill, I can always take off some of the services I have and my bill would be reduced. Oh really? So, are you saying that if I remove a service I currently have from my bundle, I don’t have to pay for that service? And that is a way to reduce my monthly bill? Wow, I am speechless. I am so glad I called YOU to fill me in on that wonderful tidbit of lesser known info. Trying really hard to keep my cool now. I thank Captain Obvious for pointing that out, and try to calmly tell her, that I AM FULLY AWARE OF HOW THAT PROCESS WORKS!!! It is becoming very clear to me the reason why this idiot could not pronounce my name even after I told her how. So she says okay, so you don’t want to do that? NO, I DON’T WANT TO DO THAT, BUT THANKS FOR YOUR ADVICE GENIUS.

Again, she puts me on hold. Finally, she comes back with one last suggestion, and says, well we have this “customer retention” offer and that would save you $15 per month for 12 months with no further commitment.

By this time, I am so aggravated, that I really am thinking of cancelling everything. Her first two offers to “save” me were so ridiculous, that I initially said “forget it” to this discounted rate offer without thinking, but then came to my senses. Then just to clarify that she has not removed any services from my bill and I would be paying this lower rate for a full year, I ask her to go over the details again. Finally, I agree because she repeated it back to me with no strings attached. So I feel confident, this really is the deal I have been waiting for her to throw me from the start of the call.

Watch, next month, I’ll get my bill and my rates will have doubled for everything.